Personal Background Bonus

I was working with a client recently and, when our session ended, he said, “You know so much about me now. But I don’t know any of this stuff about you.” To me, coaching has to be first and foremost about the client. If I spend much time talking about my own experiences, then I risk taking that away from them. That said… clients have often found it helpful to know a little bit more about my background and why these areas of life, love, health, and sex are my focus, as well as the paths I took to personally resolve them.

Some coaches are strict about not discussing their personal experiences with clients. But as a gay life coach, I think it’s a little different. As marginalized people, it can be incredibly helpful to learn about others’ journeys so that we know that we are not alone in the issues we face. So, if a client asks me about me, I’ll always be honest because, as the saying goes, “Confidence comes from failure.” But it’s important to note that life struggles are not failings. Some circumstances are in our control and some are not. And any setbacks are also potential feedbacks. Feedback creates opportunity for growth. And then growth breeds possibilities for fulfillment.

  • I was diagnosed with ADHD as a young kid and, like most cases, it was thought to be a disorder that only applied to children. Since ADHD hadn’t yet been studied in adults, I was unaware of how this struggle continued on in my life and spurred off a new set of mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. As I sought help and education, I learned some amazing ways to cope with, and maneuver around, life’s events and challenges. And I eventually came to realize that we don’t need to have disorders like ADHD in order to struggle with such complexities. The tools and techniques I gained can be applied to anyone who are struggling.

  • In my earlier years, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in a man and chased after it fervently. That was until I met my partner. Just by his very nature, I began to understand that I had been going about it all wrong. He and I began our journey on a very unconventional foot that opened up my mind to more constructive and healthy ways to approach both dating and relationships. After recently celebrating 16 years together, I have learned so many universal lessons on how to intimately connect with others as flawed human beings. And a good portion of the age-old advice passed down to us can not only be unhelpful, but sometimes counterproductive.

  • After years of feeling like an insufficient twink, I began working out in hopes of bulking up in order to increase confidence and self-esteem. Once I got past the very steep learning curve of fitness, I began to see the results I wanted. But the confidence boost didn’t advance at the same pace. I couldn’t see my own body clearly, and what I enjoyed about other men’s bodies I wouldn’t tolerate for myself.

    Because I was only addressing my body from a physical standpoint, I didn’t understand I was in the grips of body dysmorphia. Not only was “enough never enough,” but I was actually doing damage to my overall health and wellness. It wasn’t until I started working on my mental/emotional self, as well as getting out of my comfort zone by exploring naturism, that I was able to adopt a truly healthy approach to my body and self-esteem.

  • My own explorations in sex and sexuality began at a young age and it kicked off an insatiable urge to explore and taste all the various ways in which we can experience pleasure. And golly I tasted a lot. I experimented with various positions, styles of foreplay, sexual interests, and body types. I learned a lot about non-monogamy and how to differentiate between romantic sex and casual sex.

    But it all came to a head when I got an HIV diagnosis in my mid-twenties. What made it all the more confusing was that I had been adamant about safe sex and only ever used condoms (anally, not orally), meaning one of the few things I hadn’t experimented with was bareback sex.

    Being a curiously different kind of person, this conundrum (or “condomundrum” as nobody calls it) launched my explorations in a new direction of what it all means, how it works, and why it gets so complicated - both physically and mentally. My curiosities in sexuality and pleasure took a turn towards learning about the scientific and sociological research, and how it all relates to us as men who have sex with men.